Was so grateful to put my feet into the medicinal waters in the East Khasi Hills region. The beauty of this place was striking. Cough and fatigue not shown.
One of my big lessons from my pilgrimage to India was how much the universe teaches me through contrast. The trip included some of the most sublime experiences of my life and some of the most intense physical discomfort I’ve experienced. To keep my heart and awareness open enough to be present with these opposite ends of the continuum seemed to be the learning the trip was offering.
Miiddle age announced itself with a hammer at the beginning of 2024. I had come off of a successful year as an entrepreneur…kept all the clients that were a match, gained a bunch of new clients, traveled 40 percent of the time and loved it, etc. etc. And though folks were reflecting to me that I was doing a lot, to me it felt like I was just finally using all of the energy I had. Like I was matching my capacity. At age 46.
And then January came and an asymptomatic shoulder issue I didn’t know I had became loudly symptomatic in the form of not being able to move my left arm. Four days before I was leaving for India for 3 weeks.
Yeesh.
Got some high dose NSAIDs and some PT exercises to do and then I was on my way. Except, the high dose NSAID made my heart beat faster than I was used to so I felt like I was constantly in a game of “Is this the med or do I have a problem?”
It took a few days but I adjusted. Then (and you might want to stop reading now if you are uncomfortable reading about women’s health) my moon came, which seemed like no big deal, until it turned into what I later learned is called “flooding,” which is heavy bleeding some women experience as they enter perimenopause. So now my heart was beating fast and something else my body was unaccustomed to was happening all the way on the other side of the world where there was often no trash can in the bathroom.
A few days later, I noticed I was kind having a reaction to both the pollution that was in the air outside and to the mosquito spray that was liberally sprayed inside the hotel. That allergy tanked what was left of my immune system so I caught the pretty bad upper respiratory infection that was going around the group, with only three doses of Day Quill and four cough drops in my bag to treat it. Followed by a giant cold sore on my face which hurt and which is now a part of every picture from that trip. Cue sad trombone.
The fast heart beat, flooding, and hacking up a lung was dragging my awareness to my body—a body that it used to feeling healthy, vibrant, and filled with energy. In contrast, I was with some of my closest spiritual friends for three weeks straight. I got to experience what caring community really was, as people shared cough medication, dramamine for long bus rides, laxatives for when things were’t moving, and tissues for the bathrooms with no toilet paper. In some instances I had some of those “relying on the kindness of (non)strangers” Blanche Devereaux moments and in other instances I got to be on the side of sharing what I had to offer. It encoded in my being how much we all are interconnected and that we don’t go through anything alone. Checking on folks and being checked on, and offering what we had to one another—that was love. The body felt trashed but the heart was overflowing with love. Big contrast.
And then there were the shrines. These are places where the felt sense of consciousness is extraordinarily powerful. And the experiences you have in there are hard to put into words because they are subtle and also deeply private. Yet. the feeling of awe that extends beyond your time in there…it’s unforgettable. And is another big contrast because those experiences are soul-filling. While the body isn’t feeling better, a more subtle part of you gets filled to overflowing.
Every day was a choice. Feeling physically challenged …was that going to win out so it was all that was in my awareness? Or was I going to open to the beauty around me and allow myself to experience both? Being open to the beauty around me…was that going to make me ignore the signs of needing to conserve energy or wanting to rest? I chose balance. Both were happening. Both aspects required attention. And focusing on one to the exclusion of the other wasn’t authentic.
I’ve been home for a few weeks (and immediately went my doctor!!). The contrast continues in some of the same but also different ways. And I come back to the basics of presencing— breath, embodied experience, connection. And deep appreciation for moments of ease and joy.
Maybe aspects of this are relatable to you. Maybe you’re experiencing a lot of contrast right now. How are you choosing what to give your attention to and how to hold these seeming opposites? If you could use some support in that area, I’m offering a class for a few weeks in May where we’ll practice tools to help us be with contrast. Here’s the info. Let’s widen our ability to be with the ups and downs of life, together.